When I'm King - Volume 1

Greetings folks! Step in to my kingdom. I have lots of ideas and "When I'm King" is where I can share them. Some are plausible and should be treated with all the serious vibes in your head. Others are silly and simply serve a purpose to me. Although they may range from crazy to sane, you'll understand why it's this way or... off with your head! Just kidding...

Also know that these are in no particular order other than when they pop in to my head.

1st agenda of Volume one is a serious one.

Haiti... First off let me say that a blog written by Paul Shirley found on Flipcollective.com might sum this all up for me. Thus my first order is to appoint Mr. Shirley as my T.A.G. leader (Turmoil Across the Globe). If you have time you should read his blog. If you don't have time, make it. Basically it states that although we care about other countries and are sympathetic of there issues that we can only do so much to help them without hurting our own bottom line.

Set amounts will be determined that the US (under my rule mind you) will give to other countries in times of need. However a majority of that funding has to be in teaching the areas how to avoid the same things happening again. Obviously this will apply to our own in country's problems too like rebuilding a city below sea level in the path of hurricanes.

This also leads to agenda #2 which is more important.

As Red Foreman would say on That 70's Show, "It's time to buckle down." America has been helping other countries for years. Giving in times of need and allowing foreigners to earn money which they send away or send to get the rest of their family over here. Guess what? We're closed! We've got enough people here for now so a deadline will be set and you can either get out or deal with the fact that no one new is moving here for awhile.

We need to get our finances on track. The national deficit is so insane that when I think of the money we spend on foreign aid alone I get frustrated. The number is so silly it's laughable. Why don't we work on solving our own problems more and helping everyone else a little less. Otherwise in 30 years we'll all be learning chinese. Sure I want to help others, and things like the Tsunami and the Haiti situation are upsetting, but did Haiti send us any money after Hurricane Katrina? What about financial aid from someone after 9/11? Yeah I thought so.

Keep in mind it's not war with other countries. Trading and import/export of goods will still be key to making the globe a great place to be, but let's focus a little more on the USA and a little less on trying to help run the entire planet. Let them be responsible for what they've done and what happens and we'll help them out with the proper aide if need be. Paul Shirley will handle that.

Agenda #3 is also important and deals with our government.

Since I'm king and what I says goes there is no need for a "party system." We're all Americans and we all want what's best for ourselves and our country. Since I make all final decisions anyway... the government will remain much like it is today. There will even be a President voted on by the people. I'll simply step in whenever something is in question or is wrong. The President will have more power over Congress and the Representatives because if I have to fix something 3 times he's out and we vote again. A three strikes rule allows the President to do his thing for quite awhile as long as he does it right.

The Republicans and Democrats have been ruining this country for years. That ends now. No more bickering over health care and working against each other on actually getting anything done. We need things done. Even if some don't like it. Again we'll set the date and if you don't like it... get out. Point is: things need to get done. That's where having a king will be divine.

Agenda #4 moves in to the world of sports.

The BCS bowl system shall immediately be banished from existence. A playoff format will be installed where each conferences champion gets in and a few at-large. Who cares if it extends the season in to February? Let's do this right!

Also a huge gathering of men whom I will appoint will oversee all of sports and report to me with anything I miss. I will allow this group to make changes as they see fit as long as the whole group is in agreement. This could lead to trouble but will shake up sports and get real sports to the forefront and secondary sports and "skill" sports in their proper place.

Furthermore ESPN is to immediately stop posting soccer scores from overseas leagues. Only MLS will be allowed, and in addition women's events will only be covered or mentioned on the new ESP FEM network. You need those overseas scores? Check the internet, ESPN Deportes,or the Soccer Channel that's what those are for.

Agenda #5 takes over your TV

As of today I anoint Dan Young of Oak Creek, Wisconsin as the Czar of the Commercials. Businesses can feel free to go about their usual thing, but if Dan deems your commercial bad it's taken off the air, or ideally never sees air. Good-bye, girls singing about online college! Au Revoir, car commercials with the car going down a long "s" curve road! Peace out, beer commercials where the love for your beer is so strong you simply can't do anything else! I've watched a lot of TV with Dan and he knows what's good, and what's not, so I fully trust him with final say on this area.

Agenda # 6 deals with transportation issues

Ever notice what a pain in the ass it is to have to renew licenses and plates and insurance and inspections? All of it changes. You get a car you get it plates... Bang- those are it's plates for life. You get your license... Bang- you got it for life (updates for pictures upon request). Unless of course you lose it for some reason... meaning you broke the law.

And speaking of here's a new one for ya. Get an OWI or DUI? You're paying fines, license suspended for 6 months, go to a drinking class, but then hey, you get busted again? No more driving for you... ever! Really you're lucky you get the once but even that will be no picnic... plus I would worry about the backlash seeing as the king has an OWI to his credit.

Anyway back to the car stuff. Car insurance? Nope. Not a requirement, but rather a recommendation. If you get in to an accident you're responsible for paying the damages, so either pony up for insurance or drive carefully. I think you'd see a safer roadway. Lastly for now on this issue is actual cars themselves...

White cars are now outlawed. Dangerous in the snowy winter times. No bitching southerners! We can't take the chance that you'll come over the Mason-Dixon line with your rig. Silver cars will also be outlawed because they also blend in well with many backgrounds and are often seen as gray which isn't really even a color. I mean get a set of balls and choose a color for your car! Have an expressive bone in your body and at least choose an actual color for your car... damn! This will also increase the profits of the auto body industry and paint suppliers which will help the 'ol bottom line.

Also the new appointed head of all transportation issues is Adam Corolla. Listen to him. He knows what he's talking about and will be one of my top advisors for many things in addition to his transportation position.

Agenda #7 goes back to the sports world for a second

Justin St. Louis and Ed Companion are now in charge of everything Motorsports. I have faith that they will right the wrongs there and keep what already works. Also before they are in charge I will strip Tom Curley of his rights to oversee everything at Thunder Road in Barre, VT and instead make him one of the voices on a panel of folks that can further the tracks rabid fan base and seek opportunities to grow in popularity across the country. Pretty sure Ed and Justin would have come up with something like that, but I had to make sure it gets done cause I know they both have a little soft spot for the old-baseball-mitt-looking MFer. Conversely it's recommended that Aaron Maynard and Justin St. Louis take over calling the races when Dave Moody is away working for NASCAR coverage.

Agenda #8 tackles pregnancy

You want to have a kid? Gotta run it by the committee first. A group will be formed in every area to determine whether mothers and fathers, or single mothers if the case, are going to be able to raise the child in a reasonable fashion. Part of the reason America has so many screwed up people is because they were screwed up kids first. Brought in to the world in a bad situation. Let's give all kids a chance to succeed, and make America a better place to be for future generations.

Dr. Drew Pinsky will be charge of this group as well as oversee all mental health issues. He will help teach other doctors how spot issues and keep America's existing population with problems as sane as they can be.

Agenda # 9 and our final for today... education

Raise the standards of education to a nationwide level until college. Let's please give our kids the tools they need to survive in and outside of the college world. Lets spend equal time on street smarts and book smarts. I.E. I'd rather have a kid read a true story rather than a fictional one. Rather have them learn that water and electricity will kill you than which planet has the most moons. I'd rather see a kid get the best learning experience they can get rather than be forced to learn the way a teacher teaches. It's time to have more teachers, smaller classes, and higher standards. It's what I want for my America and after all...

I'M KING!